The Mark Of Love

2003….

I welcomed my beautiful daughter into the world via c section. I’d laboured for 25 hrs, was exhausted and high as a kite.

Bless her forehead, she was facing head up and just wasn’t fitting through my pelvis (excuse the details) after having forceps to try and turn her around, her heart rate dropped and I was dramatically whisked to theatre and cut open…

Sounds quite traumatic…I mean it was quite scary, but moments after I saw her beautiful face my heart melted.

I remember feeling disappointed that I couldn’t give birth “naturally” but I soon got over it...when I became pregnant for the second time my consultant wrote me off going through that trauma again.... he suggested I have an elective c section, which I happily accepted.

There's 2 years & 2 months between my girls, by then I'd grown to love my scar. It was part of my body, I could still wear low rise jeans (this is before me and high waisted clothes were introduced) no biggie I thought, it's how my children came into the world.

Something changed in the years to come I became very unhappy with my body!...the way it looked... and I started to un love my scar.

By the time I was pregnant with my oldest son I wanted to give birth “naturally” I guess it was prompted by the comment my ex had said.. apparently I wasn’t a real woman because I hadn’t given birth!!

Hmmm, I know what you must be thinking but at the time the comment didn’t faze me I just absorbed it and went on a mission to become a “real woman”

It’s funny how comments people make stick to us and before we know it we have extra layers that become our identity. 

Even though I was adamant I needed to prove my womaness, I didn't go into labour and gave birth to my son via c section.

I felt like a failure, like my body wasn’t working properly, I constantly questioned myself

“What is wrong with me?” 

“Why can’t I give birth”

I wanted wider hips...a  bigger pelvis....as if I could change my body frame but I was desperate.. I just wanted to experience that feeling.

I’d read so many stories online about women who’d successfully managed a VBAC I was like that can be me.

As i’m writing this I can see the effect that comment had on me, I just didn't feel enough…..woman enough… just enough….  & I desperately wanted to be.

By the time I was pregnant with my youngest, I'd turned into a crazy woman on a mission, even my midwife was slightly concerned for my NEED to give birth naturally.

The day I gave birth to my lil man, I was top of the list for a c section, they were worried I was going to do a runner LOL….

The human body is amazing, God made no mistakes when he made us, I guess i'm just one of those mothers who needed to have c sections, it was the safest way for my beautiful children to come into this world… and i’m okay with that….i’m more than okay with it.

I don’t need to prove my womanhood to nobody.. Especially a man! 

The way I gave birth doesn’t make me less than… I am enough, my scar is beautiful… and it tells a story that i'm proud of.

I wrote this blog to celebrate c section awareness month, if you feel comfortable please share your stories in the comments or on my social media.

Much love 

Alecia x