Never God, always people - or me

So many people, myself included, questioned why I sought an ASD/ADHD diagnosis. I thought… they’d say, “You’ve been like this your entire life, what difference does it make?”

Well the difference I guess is, I became frustrated, frustrated with what I felt was settling, I tried all the self help books, (a chapter and then put it down) distractions numbing, striving, men, work, performance, food, and I just became more and more frustrated.

Crying constantly from what I now know was dysregulation, but what I was told was “too emotional, don’t cry, stop the noise”.

So when lockdown hit, no distractions, no work, no cute coordinated Gymshark leggings, I fell apart, literally, understandably.

I started reading a book that said “It's okay to not be okay” . I'd brought it for my daughter at the time, but I didn’t know it was me that needed it. Inside there was a chapter on eating disorders (me) and how it actually is less like the root course and more a symptom. I became transfixed, kept reading, depression, anxiety, all symptoms not causes.

Google became my best friend, I needed to know more, well what is the root cause, then ADHD came up, I was like that's weird,”Isn't that a boy thing” I thought, but as I kept reading I near enough had every symptom, but it wasn't just a tick box it gave context and actually for one of the first times in my life I felt understood.

I bravely rang the doctor, explained how I was feeling, what i’d read and expected her to laugh at me, well SHE DID NOT, she said “are you asking to be assessed?” I was like yes, again she didn’t judge, she didn’t shut me down she listened.

What came after was 2 years of denial & emotional instability, but what I now see as me attempting to unmask but feeling wayyy to unsafe so I did what I always knew to do, mask, cover repeat, leggings back on, make up on, gain control from eating, distract myself with work, numb myself with men.

But even through the mask, the work had clearly already started I was really struggling to get into gear again, I remember feeling exhausted again (from masking i now understand it to be) I looked in the mirror and said okay God I give you control,( I felt I still had a bit so it was okay to let God in) little did I know that would embark on a 4 year transformational journey.

Summer 2021, I had to stop work, I just couldn't keep up with it, then by August my life fell apart my Aunty died followed by my Mum 2 months later they were my people, my mum was my safety my world.

My sister got married, my daughter moved away to uni, I CRUMBLED

Clearly for anyone that's alot of change, but an Autistic lady who lost her whole world and stability, I was lost!

At first I felt free, no restrictions, lived a bit became fully in control of what I wanted, but that didn’t last, what I needed was security but I didn’t know where to find it, even though I was a christian, & was baptised just before my Mum died, she was my safety, my children, my sister not GOD.

I didn’t really know what I was actually feeling, couldn't articulate it clearly for myself and whenever I spoke to people they'd say you articulate yourself very well, but that doesn't make sense I don’t sound like that in my head, I’d think.

So the doubts, coupled with advice from concerned friends because all I wanted to do was be at home all the time (an autistic thing) even though i knew this is just how I deal with things & something I’ve always done, I trusted outwardly more than inward, So, I joined Orangetheroy fell in love with running again , and a few months later signed up for an Ultramarathon - OOH we love ADHD impulsivity & optimism (I’ve ran 10k I can run 52)

During this time, I finally sent off the referral form and was put on a waiting list, but even though I was running, being a mum, working and doing just about anything else to keep me away from me, something still felt different.

When I was running the marathon, I was thinking I enjoy this more than my life at home, but what that really meant was “I fit in here, I can just be me here, I don't have to me mum, Alecia, Coach, holding everyone together, I can struggle, I can just be.. while running 52k lol

I became obsessed with running, running ultras, 2 months later I signed up for another race and got a PB, but as I look back it wasn't necessarily the running I was obsessed with, it was the freedom.

So much in my life was constantly changing, and running or so I thought was holding me together, so I just kept doing it ( a keen interest in things, again another trait)

But underneath it all what I see it as now, is control, I needed to control me from being….me.

And I was running out of ideas, running, work, motherhood, it just wasn't working, I was burning out, I was loosing control.

Finally in December 2023 I was finally given a diagnosis after a really tough assessment process, I was left with you are Autistic you have

ADHD and you need to learn how to manage it….

How on earth do I do that?